I have been a naughty boy and told a couple of fibs. What, with it being April 1st and all, I have led the whole of blogdom to believe that I have broken the laws of physics as we know them over a cappuccino (extra shot and sprinkles) and a brownie.
As if that was not bad enough, I've told them I'm moving to China to research this mythical masterpiece of photonic wizadry. I had toyed with announcing my engagement to one of the UK press as well, but thankfully avoided that lawsuit with a quick "delete". I'm quite flattered that even those that know me believed that I was capable of performing such an act of shear black magic but feel like a royal shite that I have suckered some of the brightest people I know.
Could you please advise me on how to dig myself out of this hell-hole?
Shenzhen Ken
Dear Ken,
There is a special circle of hell reserved for people who play jokes on others on April Fools' Day. Congratulations on joining the circle! You've joined the ranks of Google, Chicago Public Radio and The Sun. That's right, you read that correctly. The Sun.
Perhaps the only way to repent for your sins would be to carry through on your plans. You've done the UK and the States...why not move to China? Perhaps that journalist wouldn't mind a fancy date before the engagement announcement? It's time to live a little, Kenny.
But if you can't make it up to your friends by following through, at least treat them to cappuccinos and brownies. Extra sprinkles. It's the least you can do.
April Fools!
Amy
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Who do I choose?
I'm a freshman in college and I had been a wonderful relationship with
However, right before I left for college (12 hours away by car) my
So I went to college heartbroken, but I quickly started to work past
But after only being together for a few days, my ex wrote me to say
I was torn over what to do. In the end, I chose to go back to my ex,
When I finally was able to talk with my boyfriend again, he expressed
During my brief relationship with my best friend, I spent the night
Because of my boyfriends doubts, its been making me question my own
I'll be coming home finally in about a week. Finally, I'll be able to
I need advice on whether or not I should drag out my relationship with
None of the above.
I'm sure you heard from a friend, sibling or cousin about how hard it is to keep high school relationships into college. If you don't grow apart, the distance will get you. Relating to one another from afar, especially when it isn't interspersed with physical activity, is difficult for anyone of any age. It's much harder for someone at your age because these are some of your first sexual experiences.
So let's look at your candidates. Boyfriend isn't "sure about making
If you had a friend in this situation, would you advise she stay with someone who wants a pass to sow his oats and still get all of her attention? Would you tell her to go out with the guy who doesn't respect boundaries of other people's relationships? Neither of these candidates are promising, Torn.
What I find most concerning is your final question. It indicates to me that you have problems being alone. Why else would you try to choose between two shitty suitors?
Don't lead your boyfriend on. Either you want to really commit to long distance relationship or not, sexual dry spells and all. As for your best friend, well, he might not make a bad boyfriend in the end. But before you start dating, I want you to seriously think about what he's fighting for. The only thing I can see him fighting for is the chance to get in your pants, and that only makes for a good one night stand.
Aunt Amy
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Thinking of asking her
I am becoming increasingly confused with how how to handle a girl that I know. I met her a couple of years ago when I started school. She has a heart of gold, and she's a cutie too. I asked her out about a year ago, but she was already seeing someone, so nothing ever came of that.
Fast forward a year: we're still decent friends (I'll hang out with her on occasion, and I see her at school quite a bit). I still care deeply about her, and with her being currently single, I'd love to ask her out again.
There are, of course, a couple of issues that complicate things. First off is that her last boyfriend, although obviously able to charm her also made her cry during dates. They dated on and off until earlier this year, when he broke up with her about a month before one of her major school exams (where major means failure = kicked out). Friends with better girl-reading powers have hinted that she needs time to be single and find herself again, implying to me that she's still recovering from her last breakup, and hence does not need a new boyfriend right now.
The other issue stems from her performance on the major exam. The school gave her a year to take classes, with the ultimatum "pass these classes or goodbye". Most of her friends and labmates have been offering to help her prepare for classes and study. However, I seem to have become her tutor by default.
While I can't complain about tutoring a pretty girl, I'm more than a little worried about what would happen if I asked her out again and she responded negatively. Of the least harm would be if she felt awkward around me and found someone else to help her. But the worst case scenario would be creating a giant distraction from her studies and jeopardizing her career. That would put me in the same league as the last guy.
Do I stand a chance at coming out of this situation with my sanity intact?
Interested
Dear Interested,
I think you're making a few assumptions here that are causing you to be confused.
To start, you seem to think that asking her out means you will have a relationship. It will not. You also seem to think that your friends with "girl-reading" powers actually know what is going on inside her head. Unless she talks to them, they do not know anything.
I admit, this is a tough situation. You stood up and got rejected a year ago, and still pined for her. Now she is having some other things go on in her life and you're assuming she can't take on a relationship too.
But don't assume that you asking her out is going to distract her from her studies. You're the one who is helping her out with her studies. And that complicates things.
Since you waited a year, I think it's fair to assume you're over the moon about this girl. She's available. In a normal world, you would ask her out.
If you haven't already, start romancing her a little. Bring a snack to your tutoring sessions. See if she wants to get coffee after class to talk about what went on. Bring her favorite bottle of wine to dinner. And then ask her out, no strings attached. If she's interested, she will say yes. If she's too busy, she'll tell you that. If she doesn't want to date you even when she's single, at least you have a close friend.
No matter what the outcome, you can get your love life started again and stop waiting for the right moment.
Aunt Amy
Monday, September 03, 2007
Can we do it yet?
My girlfriend and I are both 14 and we've been going out for two weeks. In the past 14 days we have talked about things from our dreams, to SEX.
At first I did feel too young for any sex. I even told her that we have to wait at least until we hit a month or two. I still feel as though we are way too young. But I'm not going to lie to you or to myself. I really want it. And she does too. We talk dirty on the phone pretty often too. She tells me all the things she wants to do to me and it drives me crazy.
We are really comfortable around each other hence the reason why we talk about sex and stuff. She tells me she only wants to do it with someone she really likes.
Are we moving too fast? Are we too young? Should I even consider having sex with her? I truly can't picture losing my virginity to any one else.
Ready or not?
Dear Ready,
Let me answer your signature: you are not ready. It's one part age, one part what you've said and one part what you're not saying.
I hear your hormones talking loudly, but I don't hear much about protection. How will you prevent pregnancy? Do you know your options? I hear you do a lot of talking, but not a lot of making out. Have you two ever been physical before? Have you ever had a relationship longer that two weeks? There is a lot more to learn about each other.
The biggest red flag is that you yourself think you're too young. Listen to yourself. It's important.
At the risk of sounding like an old fogey when I haven't reached 30 yet, you're too young to have sex because I don't think you've thought out the above questions. I hope this inspires you to start talking about them and determining whether or not you're ready to have sex.
Aunt Amy
At first I did feel too young for any sex. I even told her that we have to wait at least until we hit a month or two. I still feel as though we are way too young. But I'm not going to lie to you or to myself. I really want it. And she does too. We talk dirty on the phone pretty often too. She tells me all the things she wants to do to me and it drives me crazy.
We are really comfortable around each other hence the reason why we talk about sex and stuff. She tells me she only wants to do it with someone she really likes.
Are we moving too fast? Are we too young? Should I even consider having sex with her? I truly can't picture losing my virginity to any one else.
Ready or not?
Dear Ready,
Let me answer your signature: you are not ready. It's one part age, one part what you've said and one part what you're not saying.
I hear your hormones talking loudly, but I don't hear much about protection. How will you prevent pregnancy? Do you know your options? I hear you do a lot of talking, but not a lot of making out. Have you two ever been physical before? Have you ever had a relationship longer that two weeks? There is a lot more to learn about each other.
The biggest red flag is that you yourself think you're too young. Listen to yourself. It's important.
At the risk of sounding like an old fogey when I haven't reached 30 yet, you're too young to have sex because I don't think you've thought out the above questions. I hope this inspires you to start talking about them and determining whether or not you're ready to have sex.
Aunt Amy
Thursday, August 09, 2007
An angry son
I have a wonderful sister who is an amazing single mother to three kids. She works full time in order to support her kids and loves them beyond words. She is divorced from a complete idiot that is as useful as broken doorknob.
The problem is her eldest is having anger management issues with her and only her. This happens even worse when he comes back from his father's for a visit. What can she do? She sent him to anger management class for kids, but it didn't seem to help.
Any hints or tips I could use for helping her with this? She is not only my sister, but my best friend and I really want to help her.
Concerned Sister
Parents often underestimate the effects a divorce can have on their kids unless the symptoms are severe. Unfortunately, some of those symptoms are brought on because of parents talking trash about one another.
I suspect your friend's ex is bad-mouthing her and, well, turning her son against her. If she can, she needs to speak with her ex about what is said in front of the children. Their son's anger could very well turn on him. If her ex doesn't stop, she can probably stop those visits with a simple return to court. Family court judges really hate child brainwashing.
As for picking up the pieces, your friend should continue to be a good mother to her children. She also might consider family counseling to help everyone through this tough time.
Aunt Amy
The problem is her eldest is having anger management issues with her and only her. This happens even worse when he comes back from his father's for a visit. What can she do? She sent him to anger management class for kids, but it didn't seem to help.
Any hints or tips I could use for helping her with this? She is not only my sister, but my best friend and I really want to help her.
Concerned Sister
Parents often underestimate the effects a divorce can have on their kids unless the symptoms are severe. Unfortunately, some of those symptoms are brought on because of parents talking trash about one another.
I suspect your friend's ex is bad-mouthing her and, well, turning her son against her. If she can, she needs to speak with her ex about what is said in front of the children. Their son's anger could very well turn on him. If her ex doesn't stop, she can probably stop those visits with a simple return to court. Family court judges really hate child brainwashing.
As for picking up the pieces, your friend should continue to be a good mother to her children. She also might consider family counseling to help everyone through this tough time.
Aunt Amy
Friday, August 03, 2007
Back in the sack
I have a very good friend who is experiencing difficulties in his marriage. His wife of many years' standing has changed in recent months. From what he tells me, it's been some while since they have made the bed springs dance, and he seems to be hinting that they may be destined for divorce.
It's tricky, as Bill is not a man who easily heeds advice. He actually had a rather disastrous spell as an Agony Uncle himself, and I think he finds the whole process of listening to other people's views a little tedious.
What can I say to him too make him step back from the precipice, where he risks destroying a partnership that has endured more than 30 years?
Helping Out
Dear Helping,
From what I understand of your friend Bill, he has a high-powered career and is at least pushing 60. At this point in his life, the only thing he doesn't want is change for the worst.
You say his wife has changed, although without the specifics I can only guess. She started dressing nicely? Stopped wanting to have sex? Maybe she's not at home as often?
Bill is one of the lucky few who has the power of the press. Let him use it! Let him write a love note printed in every periodical telling the world just how much he hates the current situation and profess his love once again! If that doesn't work, well, 65 is a really good age to find a young, hot wife. Women go nuts over those press hats.
Aunt Amy
It's tricky, as Bill is not a man who easily heeds advice. He actually had a rather disastrous spell as an Agony Uncle himself, and I think he finds the whole process of listening to other people's views a little tedious.
What can I say to him too make him step back from the precipice, where he risks destroying a partnership that has endured more than 30 years?
Helping Out
Dear Helping,
From what I understand of your friend Bill, he has a high-powered career and is at least pushing 60. At this point in his life, the only thing he doesn't want is change for the worst.
You say his wife has changed, although without the specifics I can only guess. She started dressing nicely? Stopped wanting to have sex? Maybe she's not at home as often?
Bill is one of the lucky few who has the power of the press. Let him use it! Let him write a love note printed in every periodical telling the world just how much he hates the current situation and profess his love once again! If that doesn't work, well, 65 is a really good age to find a young, hot wife. Women go nuts over those press hats.
Aunt Amy
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Hearing attitude
How do you deal with constant family misunderstandings?
I'm having issues with my Dad. We tend to take each other's comments the wrong way, but I think he isn't hearing me at all. For example, today I told him I forgot to go to the pharmacy to pick up toilet paper. He offered me the roll in his bathroom, but I would need my own because I had a separate bathroom.
I said "But that's what I'm saying. I need to have some in my bathroom." Then he got angry at me and said I should have thought of that while I was at the store the other day. Later on, we talk about the conversation and he said he thought I copped an attitude and told him to buy me some toilet paper. He said he can't be wrong every time this happens.
I don't know what to do. I can't talk to my parents much. It's like having two angry roommates as opposed to parents.
Can Hear You
Dear Hear,
I read this letter over and over again and while there are clearly other problems at home, I think this one doesn't have to do with any of the others. If you are accurate in your description of what happened, and your Dad wouldn't normally flip out on you for reminding yourself that you need tissues, then I think your father has a hearing problem.
You might want to handle this one delicately. I'd sit down with him and tell him you've noticed the both of you have had a lot of misunderstandings, and you don't think you're copping an attitude with him most of the time. I'd see if he would be willing to go to an otologist and have his hearing checked. If you have to, pay for it.
If hearing is the problem here, and I think it is, maybe a few more problems would clear up in your parents' relationship, too.
Aunt Amy
I'm having issues with my Dad. We tend to take each other's comments the wrong way, but I think he isn't hearing me at all. For example, today I told him I forgot to go to the pharmacy to pick up toilet paper. He offered me the roll in his bathroom, but I would need my own because I had a separate bathroom.
I said "But that's what I'm saying. I need to have some in my bathroom." Then he got angry at me and said I should have thought of that while I was at the store the other day. Later on, we talk about the conversation and he said he thought I copped an attitude and told him to buy me some toilet paper. He said he can't be wrong every time this happens.
I don't know what to do. I can't talk to my parents much. It's like having two angry roommates as opposed to parents.
Can Hear You
Dear Hear,
I read this letter over and over again and while there are clearly other problems at home, I think this one doesn't have to do with any of the others. If you are accurate in your description of what happened, and your Dad wouldn't normally flip out on you for reminding yourself that you need tissues, then I think your father has a hearing problem.
You might want to handle this one delicately. I'd sit down with him and tell him you've noticed the both of you have had a lot of misunderstandings, and you don't think you're copping an attitude with him most of the time. I'd see if he would be willing to go to an otologist and have his hearing checked. If you have to, pay for it.
If hearing is the problem here, and I think it is, maybe a few more problems would clear up in your parents' relationship, too.
Aunt Amy
Monday, July 23, 2007
Totally useless
I have an advice column of my own, and I am concerned about one of my contributors. After a few questions, I feel he isn't up to par with the answers he submits. How can I gently let him know he's fired?
Did I mention he is my brother?
One Useless Man
Dear Useless,
This is going to be much easier since he's your brother. From the time you both popped out of your mother's womb, you two were best friends and mortal enemies. You spent your childhood hanging out and trying to kill each other.
To start, find the appropriate time to tell him. It's best if someone had just killed his dog or his wife cheated on him. As he's weeping, grab him from behind and get him in a sleeper hold. Scream "You like that? You like that? You're fired!" Then wrestle around on the floor a little and take him out to get a beer.
It's the least you can do.
Aunt Amy
Did I mention he is my brother?
One Useless Man
Dear Useless,
This is going to be much easier since he's your brother. From the time you both popped out of your mother's womb, you two were best friends and mortal enemies. You spent your childhood hanging out and trying to kill each other.
To start, find the appropriate time to tell him. It's best if someone had just killed his dog or his wife cheated on him. As he's weeping, grab him from behind and get him in a sleeper hold. Scream "You like that? You like that? You're fired!" Then wrestle around on the floor a little and take him out to get a beer.
It's the least you can do.
Aunt Amy
Friday, July 13, 2007
Famous friend
I have a cousin named Raph. He left today for Hollywood because he got a part to play as Zack and Cody's cousin on "The Suite Life."
I am so sad he left. What should I do? I didn't even see him leave; I was helping the librarian when he left. I have his e-mail, so should I e-mail him or will he forget me because he's famous?
Keeping in Touch
Dear Keeping,
Some people do leave their friends behind when they become a star, but you'll find plenty of large and small stars who never stopped being friends with those who know them best. Fame on all levels doesn't mean you become a shitty friend.
You didn't say whether or not your cousin was moving, too, but I bet your mom has your aunt and uncle's contact information if you need it. Since you have his e-mail, send him a message. He'll appreciate it.
Aunt Amy
I am so sad he left. What should I do? I didn't even see him leave; I was helping the librarian when he left. I have his e-mail, so should I e-mail him or will he forget me because he's famous?
Keeping in Touch
Dear Keeping,
Some people do leave their friends behind when they become a star, but you'll find plenty of large and small stars who never stopped being friends with those who know them best. Fame on all levels doesn't mean you become a shitty friend.
You didn't say whether or not your cousin was moving, too, but I bet your mom has your aunt and uncle's contact information if you need it. Since you have his e-mail, send him a message. He'll appreciate it.
Aunt Amy
Monday, July 09, 2007
Hard-partying beau
My boyfriend of four years is way too much of a party animal. I knew this all along, but when he had a stroke two days after a real hard binge, I snapped to my senses and realized this is just way too out of hand. He is two different people.
He loves to drink hard, which causes him to do drugs occasionally. I used to party right along with him. He drinks until he has no brain left. I, on the other hand, am interested in health and natural healing. It has gotten so that I do not go out with him. He waits until I go out with my girlfriends, then he goes off.
I so miss going out and having fun with him, but it is not fun anymore because he has gotten us thrown out of places. When we get home, he gets verbally abusive. When I talk to him about it the next day, he is "oh so sorry," and just says it was because he was drunk and stupid. He doesn't want to stop, because it has been his way for his whole life.
I have gotten mad and asked him to leave, but then I calm down and get all kinds of sad to think of him not living with me anymore. He is not much of a companion because he spends most of his time in front of the computer or the TV, which is why I am finding myself out with the girls, just to relax and get some companionship.
I need to be strong and keep my resolve. We are both 50 and way too old for this behaviour. I can't believe I am even writing this, but even as I speak, I am tearing up. Please help me.
Level-Headed Girlfriend
Dear Level-Headed,
I'm having a lot of problems discerning your boyfriend's other personality. He seems to be stuck on the hard-partying, angry side and not on the side you must have seen in him when you first met.
While I don't have all of the details, I think your boyfriend has a serious problem, and I completely understand why you want him to walk away. The man had a stroke from the drink.
I think you need to make a tough decision. If this relationship has only gone south recently, it might be worth giving counseling a try. For this to work, he would probably need to attend Alcoholics Anonymous or some variant thereof and actually give up drinking. If getting help isn't something he's willing to do, I hope you'll rely on those terrific girlfriends of yours to help you get out of this relationship.
When it comes to addiction, it is impossible for one person, especially a lover, to help their loved one break the habit. Remember this as you go forward.
Aunt Amy
He loves to drink hard, which causes him to do drugs occasionally. I used to party right along with him. He drinks until he has no brain left. I, on the other hand, am interested in health and natural healing. It has gotten so that I do not go out with him. He waits until I go out with my girlfriends, then he goes off.
I so miss going out and having fun with him, but it is not fun anymore because he has gotten us thrown out of places. When we get home, he gets verbally abusive. When I talk to him about it the next day, he is "oh so sorry," and just says it was because he was drunk and stupid. He doesn't want to stop, because it has been his way for his whole life.
I have gotten mad and asked him to leave, but then I calm down and get all kinds of sad to think of him not living with me anymore. He is not much of a companion because he spends most of his time in front of the computer or the TV, which is why I am finding myself out with the girls, just to relax and get some companionship.
I need to be strong and keep my resolve. We are both 50 and way too old for this behaviour. I can't believe I am even writing this, but even as I speak, I am tearing up. Please help me.
Level-Headed Girlfriend
Dear Level-Headed,
I'm having a lot of problems discerning your boyfriend's other personality. He seems to be stuck on the hard-partying, angry side and not on the side you must have seen in him when you first met.
While I don't have all of the details, I think your boyfriend has a serious problem, and I completely understand why you want him to walk away. The man had a stroke from the drink.
I think you need to make a tough decision. If this relationship has only gone south recently, it might be worth giving counseling a try. For this to work, he would probably need to attend Alcoholics Anonymous or some variant thereof and actually give up drinking. If getting help isn't something he's willing to do, I hope you'll rely on those terrific girlfriends of yours to help you get out of this relationship.
When it comes to addiction, it is impossible for one person, especially a lover, to help their loved one break the habit. Remember this as you go forward.
Aunt Amy
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Friend or just tolerated?
I recently made a new friend but I'm not sure if I can really call her that. She only is nice to me when we're at home and our kids are playing, although we did go shopping together once.
Her husband is at home a lot and she doesn't ask him to watch her child, but she doesn't want to take the kid with her either. He does watch the child when my friend goes to work.
She doesn't want to bring her child with her shopping even if I bring my child because her kid is always throwing fits. I asked her to go shopping with me again, but she said "We'll see" and ended up taking off with her family instead.
This is so confusing. If she friends with me or not?
Puzzled but friendly
Dear Puzzled,
You're right, this is so confusing. Your friend can only really take her child to places where he won't throw fits, and seems to not be comfortable asking her husband to watch him for two hours even though he already watches him while she's at work.
I think there are some forces beyond your control here that might prevent a decent friendship from occurring, but only time will tell. Back off a little and see how your relationship with her goes.
Aunt Amy
Her husband is at home a lot and she doesn't ask him to watch her child, but she doesn't want to take the kid with her either. He does watch the child when my friend goes to work.
She doesn't want to bring her child with her shopping even if I bring my child because her kid is always throwing fits. I asked her to go shopping with me again, but she said "We'll see" and ended up taking off with her family instead.
This is so confusing. If she friends with me or not?
Puzzled but friendly
Dear Puzzled,
You're right, this is so confusing. Your friend can only really take her child to places where he won't throw fits, and seems to not be comfortable asking her husband to watch him for two hours even though he already watches him while she's at work.
I think there are some forces beyond your control here that might prevent a decent friendship from occurring, but only time will tell. Back off a little and see how your relationship with her goes.
Aunt Amy
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Romance over the Web
I'm in college and halfway around the world from my boyfriend. I only get to see my boyfriend once a year, but we talk often on IM and on the phone. Unfortunately usually when he's online or calls me, I'm in class or doing homework. I don't know if he's getting tired of this, but he tells me he loves me every chance he gets.
I got mad at him last week because my Internet was messed up and he told me that since it wasn't working that he would go to bed. I texted him and told him "Fine! Go to bed! This is the only time I get to talk to you and I am trying to fix this Internet and you're going to go to sleep on me?" He replied with "If you're having a hard time with the long distance relationship, this is even harder for me, bye! Have a good day!" We resolved it and are still together, but I can't help thinking he really is having a hard time.
How can you juggle up a stressful college life and a boyfriend who lives in the other side of the world?
Loving from afar
Dear Afar,
Long distance relationships only work if there is an end in sight and regular visits. Eventually, for you two to grow as a couple, you have to be in the same place at the same time for a while.
You weren't clear in your letter whether or not you were attending school away from home, or met your boyfriend at school and he moved away. Either way, I don't think seeing him once a year is a good solution in the long term. Both of you are starting to snap.
Do you love him? Have you been together a long time? Do you want to make this work? If you answered these questions with a yes, call him. Figure out if you both plan to have your lives intersect again. This may have to wait until the end of school for both of you.
If you haven't been together long, this relationship is probably more work than it's worth, and much less sex than there should be. I'd consider breaking it off and staying friends. Maybe your paths will intersect again and a relationship will be feasible.
Aunt Amy
I got mad at him last week because my Internet was messed up and he told me that since it wasn't working that he would go to bed. I texted him and told him "Fine! Go to bed! This is the only time I get to talk to you and I am trying to fix this Internet and you're going to go to sleep on me?" He replied with "If you're having a hard time with the long distance relationship, this is even harder for me, bye! Have a good day!" We resolved it and are still together, but I can't help thinking he really is having a hard time.
How can you juggle up a stressful college life and a boyfriend who lives in the other side of the world?
Loving from afar
Dear Afar,
Long distance relationships only work if there is an end in sight and regular visits. Eventually, for you two to grow as a couple, you have to be in the same place at the same time for a while.
You weren't clear in your letter whether or not you were attending school away from home, or met your boyfriend at school and he moved away. Either way, I don't think seeing him once a year is a good solution in the long term. Both of you are starting to snap.
Do you love him? Have you been together a long time? Do you want to make this work? If you answered these questions with a yes, call him. Figure out if you both plan to have your lives intersect again. This may have to wait until the end of school for both of you.
If you haven't been together long, this relationship is probably more work than it's worth, and much less sex than there should be. I'd consider breaking it off and staying friends. Maybe your paths will intersect again and a relationship will be feasible.
Aunt Amy
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Wanting her covered
As I've been getting to know my girlfriend, we've been sharing more about our pasts and habits. I'm writing you today about one of them.
I don't like the idea of other people looking at my girlfriend naked. She's very comfortable with that, but I'm not. Apparently she doesn't have a problem changing openly, like when she shares a tent with friends while camping.
She has a very nice body, and I would like to be the only one to see it. I love her and I don't want her to be naked around other guys. It's just not right for other guys to see her sweet body...it's just not right. Am I being selfish?
Disapproving boyfriend
Dear Disapproving,
I know a few people like your girlfriend, who don't really care who sees a stray body part while she's changing into a bathing suit. Those people tend to do this around close friends of the same sex.
You didn't describe your girlfriend as a professional stripper, nor as an exhibitionist. Thrusting those probabilities aside, I think it boils down to your girlfriend feeling comfortable around her friends regardless of of their gender.
But of course, you wouldn't like this. Being naked immediately means sex or an orgy, doesn't it? In your eyes, her body is such a peach that someone else would immediately take a bite if they saw it. That's why no one is ever allowed to see it again. She's your dessert, no one else's.
Since that's not the way she sees it, she's probably not going to listen to you if you ask her to never undress in a situation where people are undressing unless it's with you. Some people are just not supermodest; usually that Puritanical trait goes out of favor in locker rooms as you get older. You should see the number of old biddies who are naked at the Y! I'm certain their husbands or partners aren't complaining about that.
I don't think your feelings are selfish so much as kind of normal, but this is one of those situations where your girlfriend probably won't feel the same way as you do. Take that information for what you will.
Aunt Amy
I don't like the idea of other people looking at my girlfriend naked. She's very comfortable with that, but I'm not. Apparently she doesn't have a problem changing openly, like when she shares a tent with friends while camping.
She has a very nice body, and I would like to be the only one to see it. I love her and I don't want her to be naked around other guys. It's just not right for other guys to see her sweet body...it's just not right. Am I being selfish?
Disapproving boyfriend
Dear Disapproving,
I know a few people like your girlfriend, who don't really care who sees a stray body part while she's changing into a bathing suit. Those people tend to do this around close friends of the same sex.
You didn't describe your girlfriend as a professional stripper, nor as an exhibitionist. Thrusting those probabilities aside, I think it boils down to your girlfriend feeling comfortable around her friends regardless of of their gender.
But of course, you wouldn't like this. Being naked immediately means sex or an orgy, doesn't it? In your eyes, her body is such a peach that someone else would immediately take a bite if they saw it. That's why no one is ever allowed to see it again. She's your dessert, no one else's.
Since that's not the way she sees it, she's probably not going to listen to you if you ask her to never undress in a situation where people are undressing unless it's with you. Some people are just not supermodest; usually that Puritanical trait goes out of favor in locker rooms as you get older. You should see the number of old biddies who are naked at the Y! I'm certain their husbands or partners aren't complaining about that.
I don't think your feelings are selfish so much as kind of normal, but this is one of those situations where your girlfriend probably won't feel the same way as you do. Take that information for what you will.
Aunt Amy
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Dangerous habits
I have known my best friend since I was 3 years old. We've grown up together, and we know pretty much everything there is to know about each other. He has told me that I know him better than he knows himself.
But despite our close friendship, we have had very different upbringings. He was raised by his mother, who is, I suppose, what you may call a permissive parent. He wasn't very strong on discipline and never made him push himself in school. As a result, he was held back a year. In high school our paths diverged slightly, he turned semi-goth and plunged into a deep depression. We finally became closer again in sophomore year, and have remained that way since. I always knew him to be a good guy and despite his appearance and reputation of taking drugs and being a trouble maker, I knew that wasn't the case.
Only now, I have found out that he is picking up some bad habits. He has picked up smoking, which I don't suppose was too difficult to predict since his mother is a heavy smoker, but it is still not a good sign. He has gradually been smoking more often, and despite what he tells me, I am certain that he will get hooked. He even tells me that he has an addictive personality, and I tend to agree.
But I also found out that he was driving without a license, and getting drunk. Drinking is typical of a lot of teens, but I think that there will come a point that he will be in so deep over his head with the choices he is making that he can't control them anymore. What's more, he crossed a line with me that he swore he would never cross. I know it can only get worse. His mom doesn't know about any of it, and this is my dilemma.
Should I tell someone about what he's doing? He'll be 18 in a few months, but he'll still be in high school. I know that he needs to worry about himself and that I can't live his life for him, but I want to try to prevent a disaster before something happens that that he can't get out of. Where is the line between being a good friend and keeping his secrets and acting negligent to the point where if I don't step in, and there is something I can do now, that he will get himself into deeper trouble?
Concerned for her friend
Dear Concerned,
Yes, I do think you need to tell someone about his behavior. He's moved from the appearance that he's "dangerous" (dressing goth, being depressed) to actually being dangerous (getting behind the wheel of a car after drinking). He has crossed the line of which you speak.
You have a few options as to how to get the word out. If you're comfortable with his mother, you can speak directly to her. However, I think it would be a better idea to speak to someone at school, such as a counselor or a teacher to whom your friend is close. Tell them your concerns. They will take it from there, most likely calling his mother and informing her.
After you say something, realize that things might not go perfectly. If your friend realizes you have said something, he might get mad. Know that 18 is not a magic "I'm an adult" card for most kids, who are still living at home and going to school. His parents will most likely have an influence on him after his birthday.
I know it might feel like you're betraying your friend, but he's making choices that could change his life and the lives of others in a very negative way unless someone says something. Since you know, it has got to be you.
Aunt Amy
But despite our close friendship, we have had very different upbringings. He was raised by his mother, who is, I suppose, what you may call a permissive parent. He wasn't very strong on discipline and never made him push himself in school. As a result, he was held back a year. In high school our paths diverged slightly, he turned semi-goth and plunged into a deep depression. We finally became closer again in sophomore year, and have remained that way since. I always knew him to be a good guy and despite his appearance and reputation of taking drugs and being a trouble maker, I knew that wasn't the case.
Only now, I have found out that he is picking up some bad habits. He has picked up smoking, which I don't suppose was too difficult to predict since his mother is a heavy smoker, but it is still not a good sign. He has gradually been smoking more often, and despite what he tells me, I am certain that he will get hooked. He even tells me that he has an addictive personality, and I tend to agree.
But I also found out that he was driving without a license, and getting drunk. Drinking is typical of a lot of teens, but I think that there will come a point that he will be in so deep over his head with the choices he is making that he can't control them anymore. What's more, he crossed a line with me that he swore he would never cross. I know it can only get worse. His mom doesn't know about any of it, and this is my dilemma.
Should I tell someone about what he's doing? He'll be 18 in a few months, but he'll still be in high school. I know that he needs to worry about himself and that I can't live his life for him, but I want to try to prevent a disaster before something happens that that he can't get out of. Where is the line between being a good friend and keeping his secrets and acting negligent to the point where if I don't step in, and there is something I can do now, that he will get himself into deeper trouble?
Concerned for her friend
Dear Concerned,
Yes, I do think you need to tell someone about his behavior. He's moved from the appearance that he's "dangerous" (dressing goth, being depressed) to actually being dangerous (getting behind the wheel of a car after drinking). He has crossed the line of which you speak.
You have a few options as to how to get the word out. If you're comfortable with his mother, you can speak directly to her. However, I think it would be a better idea to speak to someone at school, such as a counselor or a teacher to whom your friend is close. Tell them your concerns. They will take it from there, most likely calling his mother and informing her.
After you say something, realize that things might not go perfectly. If your friend realizes you have said something, he might get mad. Know that 18 is not a magic "I'm an adult" card for most kids, who are still living at home and going to school. His parents will most likely have an influence on him after his birthday.
I know it might feel like you're betraying your friend, but he's making choices that could change his life and the lives of others in a very negative way unless someone says something. Since you know, it has got to be you.
Aunt Amy
Sunday, June 17, 2007
When hormones attack
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We are both 22 and have talked about getting married in two years. Because we are Christian we gave up sex until we are married. I am doing my best to resist, but the hormones are running rampant and my libido is alive and well.
Recently she has gotten cold feet about marriage. She wants to marry me, but doesn't know when. We're not virgins due to past mistakes and right now I don't know if I can hold out longer than two years.
I think sex is a good thing and I want to obey God and love her. I am stuck. What is the Christian thing to do?
Want it back
Dear Want,
I can't tell you what the Christian thing to do is in this situation. I don't think God can play a role in your sex life at this point.
Let's look at that facts. Both of you have had sex before. While you call it a mistake, it's clearly a mistake you want to make repeatedly with your current girlfriend in every position possible. I don't quite understand why you'd search for a second virginity at such a young age. Such decisions are usually made by older people.
Thing is, you're both 22. You haven't completely grown as people, and getting married now is statistically more likely to end in divorce than if you waited 5 more years. You may never get married anyway, because your girlfriend sounds like she is not ready. This fact is probably not good for your relationship, especially if you're waiting on sex.
It comes down to this: If you want to have sex, have sex. You are doing yourself no favors not having sex when you've had it and clearly enjoyed it. I do not want to imagine a God who would punish you every time you have sex before marriage, because most of us would be doomed. If you're following your religion's logic, you've already broken that rule. As long as you're not being unChristian in your other actions, I think you're going to be fine.
Aunt Amy
Recently she has gotten cold feet about marriage. She wants to marry me, but doesn't know when. We're not virgins due to past mistakes and right now I don't know if I can hold out longer than two years.
I think sex is a good thing and I want to obey God and love her. I am stuck. What is the Christian thing to do?
Want it back
Dear Want,
I can't tell you what the Christian thing to do is in this situation. I don't think God can play a role in your sex life at this point.
Let's look at that facts. Both of you have had sex before. While you call it a mistake, it's clearly a mistake you want to make repeatedly with your current girlfriend in every position possible. I don't quite understand why you'd search for a second virginity at such a young age. Such decisions are usually made by older people.
Thing is, you're both 22. You haven't completely grown as people, and getting married now is statistically more likely to end in divorce than if you waited 5 more years. You may never get married anyway, because your girlfriend sounds like she is not ready. This fact is probably not good for your relationship, especially if you're waiting on sex.
It comes down to this: If you want to have sex, have sex. You are doing yourself no favors not having sex when you've had it and clearly enjoyed it. I do not want to imagine a God who would punish you every time you have sex before marriage, because most of us would be doomed. If you're following your religion's logic, you've already broken that rule. As long as you're not being unChristian in your other actions, I think you're going to be fine.
Aunt Amy
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Groomsman-thong connection
I am getting married in September. My fiance asked my brother-in-law to be a groomsman. My sister is a bridesmaid. My sister automatically said that my brother-in-law couldn't be in the wedding because she would not allow him to go to the bachelor party held at a strip club.
I know she has her insecurities, but I'm really upset. This is my wedding day and I think she could make some exceptions. He could just not go to the bachelor party. I think this whole situation is very disrespectful to me and my fiance. Asking someone to stand in your wedding is a big deal and should be respected.
This has affected the relationship I have with my sister. Am I overreacting?
Bride-to-Be
Dear Bride,
I'm inclined to agree with you on pretty much all points. Your sister doesn't seem upset that your fiance has asked her husband to be a groomsman so much as the strip club orgy that's sure to follow.
"Wait, what?" I can hear you asking. This is exactly what your sister is thinking. Some women really don't like the idea of their men ogling other naked women because they think they might cheat. It's very possible your sister thinks the same whether or not her relationship is in jeopardy. This is her issue to work out.
If the lady doth protest loudly again in your presence, I wouldn't respond. Her husband is going to have to make this decision on her own. No matter what happens with the strip club, here's hoping he chooses to stand by your soon-to-be husband in support of your pending marriage.
Aunt Amy
I know she has her insecurities, but I'm really upset. This is my wedding day and I think she could make some exceptions. He could just not go to the bachelor party. I think this whole situation is very disrespectful to me and my fiance. Asking someone to stand in your wedding is a big deal and should be respected.
This has affected the relationship I have with my sister. Am I overreacting?
Bride-to-Be
Dear Bride,
I'm inclined to agree with you on pretty much all points. Your sister doesn't seem upset that your fiance has asked her husband to be a groomsman so much as the strip club orgy that's sure to follow.
"Wait, what?" I can hear you asking. This is exactly what your sister is thinking. Some women really don't like the idea of their men ogling other naked women because they think they might cheat. It's very possible your sister thinks the same whether or not her relationship is in jeopardy. This is her issue to work out.
If the lady doth protest loudly again in your presence, I wouldn't respond. Her husband is going to have to make this decision on her own. No matter what happens with the strip club, here's hoping he chooses to stand by your soon-to-be husband in support of your pending marriage.
Aunt Amy
Sunday, June 03, 2007
An Internet thing
At the tender age of 16, I find myself feeling intense feelings for a boy. At first, I was absolutely positive it was merely obsession, because I: 1) met him on the Internet, 2) hadn't known him for more than six months before I started feeling like this.
I'm pretty average on maturity level, but I do have a solid head on my shoulders. So I figured if I got to know him better, the feelings would either straighten themselves out into oblivion or into something a little bit more clear. I'm pretty sure I messed up with my plan somehow, because as soon as I started telling him a little bit more about who I was (in hopes he would do the same), he started closing up, talking to me less. After that, I slowly edged back a bit, because I didn't understand why he was being so cold towards me, and I still don't.
I'm 16 and have never had a boyfriend, or even had feelings this intense. I don't have many friends, and can't tell my parents because they've warned me that they'll restrict the Internet if they find I've been getting too involved with those on the other side of the wires, and my sisters would tell my parents out of concern (it's not a strict family, but perhaps an overprotective one).
Eventually I tried again, and then made friends with one of his friends. She was really nice, and figured out from the way I talked about him that I had feelings of a more romantic variety towards him. She called it puppy love, and spilled the beans "by accident" to him. He immediately contacted me and told me that I was "too young to know what love is" and that "I shouldn't tempt him, not at my age". Now he won't talk to me at all, ignoring me when I try to initiate contact.
I still have feelings for him, though I'm pretty sure that it was never the kind of love that people get married to. I'm just really hurt by the way both of them treated me. They were the ones who called me "mature for 16," and then she goes and mocks me, and he tells me that I can't love yet.
I'm pretty sure that it isn't true, what he said. Maybe I shouldn't have feelings for a man 7 years my senior ("not until I'm 18 years+," WTF!?), but I think I'm allowed to love anyone I want, and that I can love anyone I want. Or is what he said true, and it's just all hormones and no brain until after I'm legal? I don't get where he's coming from, especially when I told him I didn't want to even think about romance, just friendship, until I was older and more able to have a mature relationship.
Miserable and Confused
Dear Confused,
As I'm sure you've realized, the Internet has a vastly different dynamic than in real life. When I was 17, I met someone who was in his late 20s on the Internet in Napster chat. We started talking about politics and music and who knows what else. We took our chats off Napster and eventually started e-mailing. Our relationship has faded since because he is not usually at a computer, but that tends to happen.
I think the difference between my relationship with him is that while I could love his opinions, I didn't know him and couldn't think of him in a romantic way. As for him, well, he is married and shouldn't be talking to young girls on the Internet if he is going to flirt with them or try to bed them.
I'm pretty sure the reason your Internet friend laid off was because he could tell you were interested in him on some level. You can tell him you're only looking for friendship, but you're telling me you have intense feelings for him. There is an allure in a 16-year-old which you might not be aware of. Sixteen-year-olds often look like adults and can sometimes be coerced into having sex with much older men. They're immature forbidden fruit, and at 23, your friend would have probably gotten into trouble if he kept getting closer to you.
No matter how mature or level-headed you think you are at 16, you're not. You can be in love with someone at your age, but real love is mutual. I'd forget the Internet and try meeting some boys your own age at school. They may not be the boys you marry, but you will get relationship experience and be able to identify what you want in a partner.
Aunt Amy
I'm pretty average on maturity level, but I do have a solid head on my shoulders. So I figured if I got to know him better, the feelings would either straighten themselves out into oblivion or into something a little bit more clear. I'm pretty sure I messed up with my plan somehow, because as soon as I started telling him a little bit more about who I was (in hopes he would do the same), he started closing up, talking to me less. After that, I slowly edged back a bit, because I didn't understand why he was being so cold towards me, and I still don't.
I'm 16 and have never had a boyfriend, or even had feelings this intense. I don't have many friends, and can't tell my parents because they've warned me that they'll restrict the Internet if they find I've been getting too involved with those on the other side of the wires, and my sisters would tell my parents out of concern (it's not a strict family, but perhaps an overprotective one).
Eventually I tried again, and then made friends with one of his friends. She was really nice, and figured out from the way I talked about him that I had feelings of a more romantic variety towards him. She called it puppy love, and spilled the beans "by accident" to him. He immediately contacted me and told me that I was "too young to know what love is" and that "I shouldn't tempt him, not at my age". Now he won't talk to me at all, ignoring me when I try to initiate contact.
I still have feelings for him, though I'm pretty sure that it was never the kind of love that people get married to. I'm just really hurt by the way both of them treated me. They were the ones who called me "mature for 16," and then she goes and mocks me, and he tells me that I can't love yet.
I'm pretty sure that it isn't true, what he said. Maybe I shouldn't have feelings for a man 7 years my senior ("not until I'm 18 years+," WTF!?), but I think I'm allowed to love anyone I want, and that I can love anyone I want. Or is what he said true, and it's just all hormones and no brain until after I'm legal? I don't get where he's coming from, especially when I told him I didn't want to even think about romance, just friendship, until I was older and more able to have a mature relationship.
Miserable and Confused
Dear Confused,
As I'm sure you've realized, the Internet has a vastly different dynamic than in real life. When I was 17, I met someone who was in his late 20s on the Internet in Napster chat. We started talking about politics and music and who knows what else. We took our chats off Napster and eventually started e-mailing. Our relationship has faded since because he is not usually at a computer, but that tends to happen.
I think the difference between my relationship with him is that while I could love his opinions, I didn't know him and couldn't think of him in a romantic way. As for him, well, he is married and shouldn't be talking to young girls on the Internet if he is going to flirt with them or try to bed them.
I'm pretty sure the reason your Internet friend laid off was because he could tell you were interested in him on some level. You can tell him you're only looking for friendship, but you're telling me you have intense feelings for him. There is an allure in a 16-year-old which you might not be aware of. Sixteen-year-olds often look like adults and can sometimes be coerced into having sex with much older men. They're immature forbidden fruit, and at 23, your friend would have probably gotten into trouble if he kept getting closer to you.
No matter how mature or level-headed you think you are at 16, you're not. You can be in love with someone at your age, but real love is mutual. I'd forget the Internet and try meeting some boys your own age at school. They may not be the boys you marry, but you will get relationship experience and be able to identify what you want in a partner.
Aunt Amy
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
A friend-ly chat?
Several months ago, I was sexually assaulted by an acquaintance of mine. In the following months, I moved back home with my parents in order to piece myself back together. Most of my friends have been amazingly supportive, and I am so very grateful to have them. However, I am having trouble with my college roommate, one of my closest friends.
At the time of the attack, my friend was overseas, and I called her several days later to tell her what had happened and what I was doing, just to let her know I was okay. I didn't expect her to say all the right things, and I knew she would have a hard time coming up with what how to respond (who wouldn't?). But I also didn't expect her to turn on me, asking if I had been drinking, how much I drank--giving me the third degree on my actions and implying I should not have partied so hard. This hurt me very much, and I tried to tell myself that she didn't mean what she was asking.
Since then, she has had very little contact with me. I have sent her e-mails and messages ranging from personal updates to "housekeeping" emails about our apartment. She has responded only once to give me information I asked for and to tell me she is "too busy" having just returned from overseas. At the same time, I am speaking with my other friends and I know that she is not "too busy" to party and go out with them, and it hurts me that she hasn't sent me any other e-mails or messages.
Because I am out-of-state staying with my parents, I feel out of the loop as it is. I want very much to reconnect with my friend, but I don't know what to say to her. She is a sensitive girl, and I don't know if she is intentionally avoiding me or if she really is "too busy." How should I approach her without accidentally accusing her of being a bad friend, which is what I think will happen if I tell her how hurt I feel.
At a Loss
Dear Loss,
I would have been willing to give her a pass if she didn't have anything to say after the assault because she didn't know what to say, but to actually grill you on the details of your boozing heads way into crappy friend territory to me. So if she does feel that you're calling her a bad friend without saying it, then I have little sympathy for her.
I can't tell whether or not your friend is growing in a different direction than you or if she is the kind of person who blames the victim, but something has definitely changed in her. Since you're out of state for a while, your only chance to talk to her before school starts again is probably going to be on the phone or through an e-mail.
I'd approach it like this: tell her that you've noticed your relationship with each other has changed a lot since you revealed that you had been sexually assaulted. Ask her why. If she stonewalls, ask her point blank whether or not she is still your friend. The result may end in a little screaming from her side, but these are things she should have communicated to you months ago.
I realize your apartment together will make this conversation difficult, but regardless of what happens, you should reconsider living together. Sure, she communicates about basic apartment needs, but she is like a clam about everything else. I doubt that is a good living situation.
Aunt Amy
At the time of the attack, my friend was overseas, and I called her several days later to tell her what had happened and what I was doing, just to let her know I was okay. I didn't expect her to say all the right things, and I knew she would have a hard time coming up with what how to respond (who wouldn't?). But I also didn't expect her to turn on me, asking if I had been drinking, how much I drank--giving me the third degree on my actions and implying I should not have partied so hard. This hurt me very much, and I tried to tell myself that she didn't mean what she was asking.
Since then, she has had very little contact with me. I have sent her e-mails and messages ranging from personal updates to "housekeeping" emails about our apartment. She has responded only once to give me information I asked for and to tell me she is "too busy" having just returned from overseas. At the same time, I am speaking with my other friends and I know that she is not "too busy" to party and go out with them, and it hurts me that she hasn't sent me any other e-mails or messages.
Because I am out-of-state staying with my parents, I feel out of the loop as it is. I want very much to reconnect with my friend, but I don't know what to say to her. She is a sensitive girl, and I don't know if she is intentionally avoiding me or if she really is "too busy." How should I approach her without accidentally accusing her of being a bad friend, which is what I think will happen if I tell her how hurt I feel.
At a Loss
Dear Loss,
I would have been willing to give her a pass if she didn't have anything to say after the assault because she didn't know what to say, but to actually grill you on the details of your boozing heads way into crappy friend territory to me. So if she does feel that you're calling her a bad friend without saying it, then I have little sympathy for her.
I can't tell whether or not your friend is growing in a different direction than you or if she is the kind of person who blames the victim, but something has definitely changed in her. Since you're out of state for a while, your only chance to talk to her before school starts again is probably going to be on the phone or through an e-mail.
I'd approach it like this: tell her that you've noticed your relationship with each other has changed a lot since you revealed that you had been sexually assaulted. Ask her why. If she stonewalls, ask her point blank whether or not she is still your friend. The result may end in a little screaming from her side, but these are things she should have communicated to you months ago.
I realize your apartment together will make this conversation difficult, but regardless of what happens, you should reconsider living together. Sure, she communicates about basic apartment needs, but she is like a clam about everything else. I doubt that is a good living situation.
Aunt Amy
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
My friend, the mosquito
I have this friend who always says I'm his best friend, but he doesn't treat me like it. He has been having problems with this girl for a long time now and I always help him with it. I listen to everything he says and give him advice. He listens to all of his other friends' problems except mine. Whenever I say I have a problem, he just tells me to shut up and stop whining.
I'm kind of sick of this. I feel like he's draining me, like I use up so much of my energy to cheer him up that I can' t make myself happy. What can I do?
Drained Friend
Dear Friend,
I have definitely had friends like this. The most recent one was in college, except instead of telling me to shut up, she would counter with something worse that had happened to her recently. This sort of one-upmanship is why we are no longer in touch.
Her actions remind me of your friend's. He's telling you his problems endlessly, and you're solving them because you want to be a good friend. Good friends are there for each other and help each other out when there are problems. Good friends reciprocate. This is why your friend is not a good friend, and you know it.
What I find particularly troubling is that your friend isn't just talking over you, but he's talking at you to tell you he doesn't want to hear it. He only wants to hear you when you're talking sweet to him. I think he is using you as a de facto shrink, and you clearly aren't enjoying it.
You may decide it's time to let this friendship go, because talking about it won't really help. Besides, he has stopped listening already when it counts.
Aunt Amy
I'm kind of sick of this. I feel like he's draining me, like I use up so much of my energy to cheer him up that I can' t make myself happy. What can I do?
Drained Friend
Dear Friend,
I have definitely had friends like this. The most recent one was in college, except instead of telling me to shut up, she would counter with something worse that had happened to her recently. This sort of one-upmanship is why we are no longer in touch.
Her actions remind me of your friend's. He's telling you his problems endlessly, and you're solving them because you want to be a good friend. Good friends are there for each other and help each other out when there are problems. Good friends reciprocate. This is why your friend is not a good friend, and you know it.
What I find particularly troubling is that your friend isn't just talking over you, but he's talking at you to tell you he doesn't want to hear it. He only wants to hear you when you're talking sweet to him. I think he is using you as a de facto shrink, and you clearly aren't enjoying it.
You may decide it's time to let this friendship go, because talking about it won't really help. Besides, he has stopped listening already when it counts.
Aunt Amy
Thursday, May 17, 2007
A date for church
I have been dating a girl for about 4 months. I'm 28 and she's 26. I am a practicing Catholic, and my faith plays an integral role in my life. My girlfriend was raised Catholic but isn't really practicing. While she still identifies herself as Catholic, she hasn't gone to Mass in years except for weddings and funerals.
I really like her a lot. She is pretty much perfect in every other aspect, or at least it seems that way at this stage in the relationship. However, I really want a girlfriend (and eventually a wife) who shares my religious beliefs so that we can raise our children the same way.
She said she respects my religious beliefs and every time I ask her if she wants to join me for church on Sunday, shows forced interest but never actually attends. What should I do?
Love for God
Dear Love,
I take it that a girl who "isn't really practicing" is no longer really interested in the religion she was born into.
Children are usually born into the belief system of their parents. As they grow up, they will figure out pretty quickly what they believe and what they don't. Some will be happy with their original religion, while others will drop it completely or even convert to another one. Some people, like your girlfriend, haven't outlawed their original religion, but no longer identify with it. She goes to church out of familial obligation.
I don't think you're going to change that, and if you try, she will resent you. I understand why you'd want a girlfriend (and future wife) who shares your beliefs, but if that's important enough to you, you should be picking up ladies at church.
As for your current lady, well, she's perfect. Maybe she's just not perfect for you. I'd let her go while it's still early if you can't get past her beliefs. She wouldn't want to know you were preparing to marry her that early in the relationship anyway.
Aunt Amy
I really like her a lot. She is pretty much perfect in every other aspect, or at least it seems that way at this stage in the relationship. However, I really want a girlfriend (and eventually a wife) who shares my religious beliefs so that we can raise our children the same way.
She said she respects my religious beliefs and every time I ask her if she wants to join me for church on Sunday, shows forced interest but never actually attends. What should I do?
Love for God
Dear Love,
I take it that a girl who "isn't really practicing" is no longer really interested in the religion she was born into.
Children are usually born into the belief system of their parents. As they grow up, they will figure out pretty quickly what they believe and what they don't. Some will be happy with their original religion, while others will drop it completely or even convert to another one. Some people, like your girlfriend, haven't outlawed their original religion, but no longer identify with it. She goes to church out of familial obligation.
I don't think you're going to change that, and if you try, she will resent you. I understand why you'd want a girlfriend (and future wife) who shares your beliefs, but if that's important enough to you, you should be picking up ladies at church.
As for your current lady, well, she's perfect. Maybe she's just not perfect for you. I'd let her go while it's still early if you can't get past her beliefs. She wouldn't want to know you were preparing to marry her that early in the relationship anyway.
Aunt Amy
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