Hearing attitude

How do you deal with constant family misunderstandings?

I'm having issues with my Dad. We tend to take each other's comments the wrong way, but I think he isn't hearing me at all. For example, today I told him I forgot to go to the pharmacy to pick up toilet paper. He offered me the roll in his bathroom, but I would need my own because I had a separate bathroom.

I said "But that's what I'm saying. I need to have some in my bathroom." Then he got angry at me and said I should have thought of that while I was at the store the other day. Later on, we talk about the conversation and he said he thought I copped an attitude and told him to buy me some toilet paper. He said he can't be wrong every time this happens.

I don't know what to do. I can't talk to my parents much. It's like having two angry roommates as opposed to parents.

Can Hear You

Dear Hear,

I read this letter over and over again and while there are clearly other problems at home, I think this one doesn't have to do with any of the others. If you are accurate in your description of what happened, and your Dad wouldn't normally flip out on you for reminding yourself that you need tissues, then I think your father has a hearing problem.

You might want to handle this one delicately. I'd sit down with him and tell him you've noticed the both of you have had a lot of misunderstandings, and you don't think you're copping an attitude with him most of the time. I'd see if he would be willing to go to an otologist and have his hearing checked. If you have to, pay for it.

If hearing is the problem here, and I think it is, maybe a few more problems would clear up in your parents' relationship, too.

Aunt Amy

Totally useless

I have an advice column of my own, and I am concerned about one of my contributors. After a few questions, I feel he isn't up to par with the answers he submits. How can I gently let him know he's fired?

Did I mention he is my brother?

One Useless Man

Dear Useless,

This is going to be much easier since he's your brother. From the time you both popped out of your mother's womb, you two were best friends and mortal enemies. You spent your childhood hanging out and trying to kill each other.

To start, find the appropriate time to tell him. It's best if someone had just killed his dog or his wife cheated on him. As he's weeping, grab him from behind and get him in a sleeper hold. Scream "You like that? You like that? You're fired!" Then wrestle around on the floor a little and take him out to get a beer.

It's the least you can do.

Aunt Amy

Famous friend

I have a cousin named Raph. He left today for Hollywood because he got a part to play as Zack and Cody's cousin on "The Suite Life."

I am so sad he left. What should I do? I didn't even see him leave; I was helping the librarian when he left. I have his e-mail, so should I e-mail him or will he forget me because he's famous?

Keeping in Touch

Dear Keeping,

Some people do leave their friends behind when they become a star, but you'll find plenty of large and small stars who never stopped being friends with those who know them best. Fame on all levels doesn't mean you become a shitty friend.

You didn't say whether or not your cousin was moving, too, but I bet your mom has your aunt and uncle's contact information if you need it. Since you have his e-mail, send him a message. He'll appreciate it.

Aunt Amy

Hard-partying beau

My boyfriend of four years is way too much of a party animal. I knew this all along, but when he had a stroke two days after a real hard binge, I snapped to my senses and realized this is just way too out of hand. He is two different people.

He loves to drink hard, which causes him to do drugs occasionally. I used to party right along with him. He drinks until he has no brain left. I, on the other hand, am interested in health and natural healing. It has gotten so that I do not go out with him. He waits until I go out with my girlfriends, then he goes off.

I so miss going out and having fun with him, but it is not fun anymore because he has gotten us thrown out of places. When we get home, he gets verbally abusive. When I talk to him about it the next day, he is "oh so sorry," and just says it was because he was drunk and stupid. He doesn't want to stop, because it has been his way for his whole life.

I have gotten mad and asked him to leave, but then I calm down and get all kinds of sad to think of him not living with me anymore. He is not much of a companion because he spends most of his time in front of the computer or the TV, which is why I am finding myself out with the girls, just to relax and get some companionship.

I need to be strong and keep my resolve. We are both 50 and way too old for this behaviour. I can't believe I am even writing this, but even as I speak, I am tearing up. Please help me.

Level-Headed Girlfriend

Dear Level-Headed,

I'm having a lot of problems discerning your boyfriend's other personality. He seems to be stuck on the hard-partying, angry side and not on the side you must have seen in him when you first met.

While I don't have all of the details, I think your boyfriend has a serious problem, and I completely understand why you want him to walk away. The man had a stroke from the drink.

I think you need to make a tough decision. If this relationship has only gone south recently, it might be worth giving counseling a try. For this to work, he would probably need to attend Alcoholics Anonymous or some variant thereof and actually give up drinking. If getting help isn't something he's willing to do, I hope you'll rely on those terrific girlfriends of yours to help you get out of this relationship.

When it comes to addiction, it is impossible for one person, especially a lover, to help their loved one break the habit. Remember this as you go forward.

Aunt Amy

Friend or just tolerated?

I recently made a new friend but I'm not sure if I can really call her that. She only is nice to me when we're at home and our kids are playing, although we did go shopping together once.

Her husband is at home a lot and she doesn't ask him to watch her child, but she doesn't want to take the kid with her either. He does watch the child when my friend goes to work.

She doesn't want to bring her child with her shopping even if I bring my child because her kid is always throwing fits. I asked her to go shopping with me again, but she said "We'll see" and ended up taking off with her family instead.

This is so confusing. If she friends with me or not?

Puzzled but friendly

Dear Puzzled,

You're right, this is so confusing. Your friend can only really take her child to places where he won't throw fits, and seems to not be comfortable asking her husband to watch him for two hours even though he already watches him while she's at work.

I think there are some forces beyond your control here that might prevent a decent friendship from occurring, but only time will tell. Back off a little and see how your relationship with her goes.

Aunt Amy

Romance over the Web

I'm in college and halfway around the world from my boyfriend. I only get to see my boyfriend once a year, but we talk often on IM and on the phone. Unfortunately usually when he's online or calls me, I'm in class or doing homework. I don't know if he's getting tired of this, but he tells me he loves me every chance he gets.

I got mad at him last week because my Internet was messed up and he told me that since it wasn't working that he would go to bed. I texted him and told him "Fine! Go to bed! This is the only time I get to talk to you and I am trying to fix this Internet and you're going to go to sleep on me?" He replied with "If you're having a hard time with the long distance relationship, this is even harder for me, bye! Have a good day!" We resolved it and are still together, but I can't help thinking he really is having a hard time.

How can you juggle up a stressful college life and a boyfriend who lives in the other side of the world?

Loving from afar

Dear Afar,

Long distance relationships only work if there is an end in sight and regular visits. Eventually, for you two to grow as a couple, you have to be in the same place at the same time for a while.

You weren't clear in your letter whether or not you were attending school away from home, or met your boyfriend at school and he moved away. Either way, I don't think seeing him once a year is a good solution in the long term. Both of you are starting to snap.

Do you love him? Have you been together a long time? Do you want to make this work? If you answered these questions with a yes, call him. Figure out if you both plan to have your lives intersect again. This may have to wait until the end of school for both of you.

If you haven't been together long, this relationship is probably more work than it's worth, and much less sex than there should be. I'd consider breaking it off and staying friends. Maybe your paths will intersect again and a relationship will be feasible.

Aunt Amy

Wanting her covered

As I've been getting to know my girlfriend, we've been sharing more about our pasts and habits. I'm writing you today about one of them.

I don't like the idea of other people looking at my girlfriend naked. She's very comfortable with that, but I'm not. Apparently she doesn't have a problem changing openly, like when she shares a tent with friends while camping.

She has a very nice body, and I would like to be the only one to see it. I love her and I don't want her to be naked around other guys. It's just not right for other guys to see her sweet body...it's just not right. Am I being selfish?

Disapproving boyfriend

Dear Disapproving,

I know a few people like your girlfriend, who don't really care who sees a stray body part while she's changing into a bathing suit. Those people tend to do this around close friends of the same sex.

You didn't describe your girlfriend as a professional stripper, nor as an exhibitionist. Thrusting those probabilities aside, I think it boils down to your girlfriend feeling comfortable around her friends regardless of of their gender.

But of course, you wouldn't like this. Being naked immediately means sex or an orgy, doesn't it? In your eyes, her body is such a peach that someone else would immediately take a bite if they saw it. That's why no one is ever allowed to see it again. She's your dessert, no one else's.

Since that's not the way she sees it, she's probably not going to listen to you if you ask her to never undress in a situation where people are undressing unless it's with you. Some people are just not supermodest; usually that Puritanical trait goes out of favor in locker rooms as you get older. You should see the number of old biddies who are naked at the Y! I'm certain their husbands or partners aren't complaining about that.

I don't think your feelings are selfish so much as kind of normal, but this is one of those situations where your girlfriend probably won't feel the same way as you do. Take that information for what you will.

Aunt Amy

Dangerous habits

I have known my best friend since I was 3 years old. We've grown up together, and we know pretty much everything there is to know about each other. He has told me that I know him better than he knows himself.

But despite our close friendship, we have had very different upbringings. He was raised by his mother, who is, I suppose, what you may call a permissive parent. He wasn't very strong on discipline and never made him push himself in school. As a result, he was held back a year. In high school our paths diverged slightly, he turned semi-goth and plunged into a deep depression. We finally became closer again in sophomore year, and have remained that way since. I always knew him to be a good guy and despite his appearance and reputation of taking drugs and being a trouble maker, I knew that wasn't the case.

Only now, I have found out that he is picking up some bad habits. He has picked up smoking, which I don't suppose was too difficult to predict since his mother is a heavy smoker, but it is still not a good sign. He has gradually been smoking more often, and despite what he tells me, I am certain that he will get hooked. He even tells me that he has an addictive personality, and I tend to agree.

But I also found out that he was driving without a license, and getting drunk. Drinking is typical of a lot of teens, but I think that there will come a point that he will be in so deep over his head with the choices he is making that he can't control them anymore. What's more, he crossed a line with me that he swore he would never cross. I know it can only get worse. His mom doesn't know about any of it, and this is my dilemma.

Should I tell someone about what he's doing? He'll be 18 in a few months, but he'll still be in high school. I know that he needs to worry about himself and that I can't live his life for him, but I want to try to prevent a disaster before something happens that that he can't get out of. Where is the line between being a good friend and keeping his secrets and acting negligent to the point where if I don't step in, and there is something I can do now, that he will get himself into deeper trouble?

Concerned for her friend

Dear Concerned,

Yes, I do think you need to tell someone about his behavior. He's moved from the appearance that he's "dangerous" (dressing goth, being depressed) to actually being dangerous (getting behind the wheel of a car after drinking). He has crossed the line of which you speak.

You have a few options as to how to get the word out. If you're comfortable with his mother, you can speak directly to her. However, I think it would be a better idea to speak to someone at school, such as a counselor or a teacher to whom your friend is close. Tell them your concerns. They will take it from there, most likely calling his mother and informing her.

After you say something, realize that things might not go perfectly. If your friend realizes you have said something, he might get mad. Know that 18 is not a magic "I'm an adult" card for most kids, who are still living at home and going to school. His parents will most likely have an influence on him after his birthday.

I know it might feel like you're betraying your friend, but he's making choices that could change his life and the lives of others in a very negative way unless someone says something. Since you know, it has got to be you.

Aunt Amy

When hormones attack

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We are both 22 and have talked about getting married in two years. Because we are Christian we gave up sex until we are married. I am doing my best to resist, but the hormones are running rampant and my libido is alive and well.

Recently she has gotten cold feet about marriage. She wants to marry me, but doesn't know when. We're not virgins due to past mistakes and right now I don't know if I can hold out longer than two years.

I think sex is a good thing and I want to obey God and love her. I am stuck. What is the Christian thing to do?

Want it back

Dear Want,

I can't tell you what the Christian thing to do is in this situation. I don't think God can play a role in your sex life at this point.

Let's look at that facts. Both of you have had sex before. While you call it a mistake, it's clearly a mistake you want to make repeatedly with your current girlfriend in every position possible. I don't quite understand why you'd search for a second virginity at such a young age. Such decisions are usually made by older people.

Thing is, you're both 22. You haven't completely grown as people, and getting married now is statistically more likely to end in divorce than if you waited 5 more years. You may never get married anyway, because your girlfriend sounds like she is not ready. This fact is probably not good for your relationship, especially if you're waiting on sex.

It comes down to this: If you want to have sex, have sex. You are doing yourself no favors not having sex when you've had it and clearly enjoyed it. I do not want to imagine a God who would punish you every time you have sex before marriage, because most of us would be doomed. If you're following your religion's logic, you've already broken that rule. As long as you're not being unChristian in your other actions, I think you're going to be fine.

Aunt Amy

Groomsman-thong connection

I am getting married in September. My fiance asked my brother-in-law to be a groomsman. My sister is a bridesmaid. My sister automatically said that my brother-in-law couldn't be in the wedding because she would not allow him to go to the bachelor party held at a strip club.

I know she has her insecurities, but I'm really upset. This is my wedding day and I think she could make some exceptions. He could just not go to the bachelor party. I think this whole situation is very disrespectful to me and my fiance. Asking someone to stand in your wedding is a big deal and should be respected.

This has affected the relationship I have with my sister. Am I overreacting?

Bride-to-Be

Dear Bride,

I'm inclined to agree with you on pretty much all points. Your sister doesn't seem upset that your fiance has asked her husband to be a groomsman so much as the strip club orgy that's sure to follow.

"Wait, what?" I can hear you asking. This is exactly what your sister is thinking. Some women really don't like the idea of their men ogling other naked women because they think they might cheat. It's very possible your sister thinks the same whether or not her relationship is in jeopardy. This is her issue to work out.

If the lady doth protest loudly again in your presence, I wouldn't respond. Her husband is going to have to make this decision on her own. No matter what happens with the strip club, here's hoping he chooses to stand by your soon-to-be husband in support of your pending marriage.

Aunt Amy

An Internet thing

At the tender age of 16, I find myself feeling intense feelings for a boy. At first, I was absolutely positive it was merely obsession, because I: 1) met him on the Internet, 2) hadn't known him for more than six months before I started feeling like this.

I'm pretty average on maturity level, but I do have a solid head on my shoulders. So I figured if I got to know him better, the feelings would either straighten themselves out into oblivion or into something a little bit more clear. I'm pretty sure I messed up with my plan somehow, because as soon as I started telling him a little bit more about who I was (in hopes he would do the same), he started closing up, talking to me less. After that, I slowly edged back a bit, because I didn't understand why he was being so cold towards me, and I still don't.

I'm 16 and have never had a boyfriend, or even had feelings this intense. I don't have many friends, and can't tell my parents because they've warned me that they'll restrict the Internet if they find I've been getting too involved with those on the other side of the wires, and my sisters would tell my parents out of concern (it's not a strict family, but perhaps an overprotective one).

Eventually I tried again, and then made friends with one of his friends. She was really nice, and figured out from the way I talked about him that I had feelings of a more romantic variety towards him. She called it puppy love, and spilled the beans "by accident" to him. He immediately contacted me and told me that I was "too young to know what love is" and that "I shouldn't tempt him, not at my age". Now he won't talk to me at all, ignoring me when I try to initiate contact.

I still have feelings for him, though I'm pretty sure that it was never the kind of love that people get married to. I'm just really hurt by the way both of them treated me. They were the ones who called me "mature for 16," and then she goes and mocks me, and he tells me that I can't love yet.

I'm pretty sure that it isn't true, what he said. Maybe I shouldn't have feelings for a man 7 years my senior ("not until I'm 18 years+," WTF!?), but I think I'm allowed to love anyone I want, and that I can love anyone I want. Or is what he said true, and it's just all hormones and no brain until after I'm legal? I don't get where he's coming from, especially when I told him I didn't want to even think about romance, just friendship, until I was older and more able to have a mature relationship.

Miserable and Confused

Dear Confused,

As I'm sure you've realized, the Internet has a vastly different dynamic than in real life. When I was 17, I met someone who was in his late 20s on the Internet in Napster chat. We started talking about politics and music and who knows what else. We took our chats off Napster and eventually started e-mailing. Our relationship has faded since because he is not usually at a computer, but that tends to happen.

I think the difference between my relationship with him is that while I could love his opinions, I didn't know him and couldn't think of him in a romantic way. As for him, well, he is married and shouldn't be talking to young girls on the Internet if he is going to flirt with them or try to bed them.

I'm pretty sure the reason your Internet friend laid off was because he could tell you were interested in him on some level. You can tell him you're only looking for friendship, but you're telling me you have intense feelings for him. There is an allure in a 16-year-old which you might not be aware of. Sixteen-year-olds often look like adults and can sometimes be coerced into having sex with much older men. They're immature forbidden fruit, and at 23, your friend would have probably gotten into trouble if he kept getting closer to you.

No matter how mature or level-headed you think you are at 16, you're not. You can be in love with someone at your age, but real love is mutual. I'd forget the Internet and try meeting some boys your own age at school. They may not be the boys you marry, but you will get relationship experience and be able to identify what you want in a partner.

Aunt Amy

A friend-ly chat?

Several months ago, I was sexually assaulted by an acquaintance of mine. In the following months, I moved back home with my parents in order to piece myself back together. Most of my friends have been amazingly supportive, and I am so very grateful to have them. However, I am having trouble with my college roommate, one of my closest friends.

At the time of the attack, my friend was overseas, and I called her several days later to tell her what had happened and what I was doing, just to let her know I was okay. I didn't expect her to say all the right things, and I knew she would have a hard time coming up with what how to respond (who wouldn't?). But I also didn't expect her to turn on me, asking if I had been drinking, how much I drank--giving me the third degree on my actions and implying I should not have partied so hard. This hurt me very much, and I tried to tell myself that she didn't mean what she was asking.

Since then, she has had very little contact with me. I have sent her e-mails and messages ranging from personal updates to "housekeeping" emails about our apartment. She has responded only once to give me information I asked for and to tell me she is "too busy" having just returned from overseas. At the same time, I am speaking with my other friends and I know that she is not "too busy" to party and go out with them, and it hurts me that she hasn't sent me any other e-mails or messages.

Because I am out-of-state staying with my parents, I feel out of the loop as it is. I want very much to reconnect with my friend, but I don't know what to say to her. She is a sensitive girl, and I don't know if she is intentionally avoiding me or if she really is "too busy." How should I approach her without accidentally accusing her of being a bad friend, which is what I think will happen if I tell her how hurt I feel.

At a Loss

Dear Loss,

I would have been willing to give her a pass if she didn't have anything to say after the assault because she didn't know what to say, but to actually grill you on the details of your boozing heads way into crappy friend territory to me. So if she does feel that you're calling her a bad friend without saying it, then I have little sympathy for her.

I can't tell whether or not your friend is growing in a different direction than you or if she is the kind of person who blames the victim, but something has definitely changed in her. Since you're out of state for a while, your only chance to talk to her before school starts again is probably going to be on the phone or through an e-mail.

I'd approach it like this: tell her that you've noticed your relationship with each other has changed a lot since you revealed that you had been sexually assaulted. Ask her why. If she stonewalls, ask her point blank whether or not she is still your friend. The result may end in a little screaming from her side, but these are things she should have communicated to you months ago.

I realize your apartment together will make this conversation difficult, but regardless of what happens, you should reconsider living together. Sure, she communicates about basic apartment needs, but she is like a clam about everything else. I doubt that is a good living situation.

Aunt Amy

My friend, the mosquito

I have this friend who always says I'm his best friend, but he doesn't treat me like it. He has been having problems with this girl for a long time now and I always help him with it. I listen to everything he says and give him advice. He listens to all of his other friends' problems except mine. Whenever I say I have a problem, he just tells me to shut up and stop whining.

I'm kind of sick of this. I feel like he's draining me, like I use up so much of my energy to cheer him up that I can' t make myself happy. What can I do?

Drained Friend

Dear Friend,

I have definitely had friends like this. The most recent one was in college, except instead of telling me to shut up, she would counter with something worse that had happened to her recently. This sort of one-upmanship is why we are no longer in touch.

Her actions remind me of your friend's. He's telling you his problems endlessly, and you're solving them because you want to be a good friend. Good friends are there for each other and help each other out when there are problems. Good friends reciprocate. This is why your friend is not a good friend, and you know it.

What I find particularly troubling is that your friend isn't just talking over you, but he's talking at you to tell you he doesn't want to hear it. He only wants to hear you when you're talking sweet to him. I think he is using you as a de facto shrink, and you clearly aren't enjoying it.

You may decide it's time to let this friendship go, because talking about it won't really help. Besides, he has stopped listening already when it counts.

Aunt Amy

A date for church

I have been dating a girl for about 4 months. I'm 28 and she's 26. I am a practicing Catholic, and my faith plays an integral role in my life. My girlfriend was raised Catholic but isn't really practicing. While she still identifies herself as Catholic, she hasn't gone to Mass in years except for weddings and funerals.

I really like her a lot. She is pretty much perfect in every other aspect, or at least it seems that way at this stage in the relationship. However, I really want a girlfriend (and eventually a wife) who shares my religious beliefs so that we can raise our children the same way.

She said she respects my religious beliefs and every time I ask her if she wants to join me for church on Sunday, shows forced interest but never actually attends. What should I do?

Love for God

Dear Love,

I take it that a girl who "isn't really practicing" is no longer really interested in the religion she was born into.

Children are usually born into the belief system of their parents. As they grow up, they will figure out pretty quickly what they believe and what they don't. Some will be happy with their original religion, while others will drop it completely or even convert to another one. Some people, like your girlfriend, haven't outlawed their original religion, but no longer identify with it. She goes to church out of familial obligation.

I don't think you're going to change that, and if you try, she will resent you. I understand why you'd want a girlfriend (and future wife) who shares your beliefs, but if that's important enough to you, you should be picking up ladies at church.

As for your current lady, well, she's perfect. Maybe she's just not perfect for you. I'd let her go while it's still early if you can't get past her beliefs. She wouldn't want to know you were preparing to marry her that early in the relationship anyway.

Aunt Amy

Unfair bride?

I'm a freshman in college and my best friend is getting married in September. She asked me to be her bridesmaid and I was very excited because I love weddings.

The time to get the dresses came and she sent the other bridesmaids and I the price for the dresses. The price for me is not that bad, but it's $150. I wish this were the only problem with her wedding planning, but obviously there is more.

She has informed us that we will not be included in the pictures she will take with her husband and that we will have to find our own way of transportation to church because we are not going with her in the limo. Is is fair for us to not be in the pictures? I mean, how will we have proof of even participating in the wedding?

I have spoken to the other bridesmaids and they do not think it is reasonable to not be included in the pictures or transportation. All of us are freshman in college and one is still in high school and we don't have the funds to pull off all of her genius ideas. So is there anyway that we can let her know in what position she is putting us in? Do you think this is fair?

Stressed by Bride

Dear Stressed,

You are one of the unlucky freshmen who get to take Intro to Weddings 101 about four years early. I do not envy you; the tests are taken in a minefield.

Because your friend is so young, I'm willing to bet that someone's parents are orchestrating this whole event, right down to the corsages. I doubt she is making many of these choices alone, especially since she probably isn't old enough to finance this wedding.

But in case she is in control here, well...she should know better. $150 isn't pricey for a matching bridesmaid dress for working adults, but she should have realized that none of you are making enough to justify that one-time purchase.

As for transportation, typically the bridal party does not ride with the bride and groom. You're all old enough to have your licenses; arrange to carpool. Your qualms about the pictures continue to make me think the bride isn't the main decision maker here. Pictures often include the bridal party and family, but don't have to. Maybe it's too expensive. That's okay. If you want pictorial evidence that you were there, take the pictures yourself.

Since there are cost concerns, I don't think it would be inappropriate for those guests with small wallets to speak with her privately and tell her they can't afford $150 for a dress. Hopefully they all can come up with a compromise.

Aunt Amy

Friend's future in jeopardy?

I have a really social, caring friend who has this guy she loves to be with. The main reason is that he was her first crush...but I think this guy is not right for her. He's an introvert and is sometimes demanding and sometimes sweet.

My friend has a chance to be in the United States, which she loves, and this guy tells her he doesn't like to work there. Her parents even convinced a family friend's son to ask her to marry him so they can live happily together. I do think that is the best thing.

When I told her I thought that was best, she ended up crying and saying things like "why do all of these things happen to me" and "why do I have to suffer all of the time." Did I do something wrong? How can I help her?

Wants what's best

Dear Wants,

The first thing I thought of when I read this letter was, damn, can't anyone let your friend make her own damn decisions?

Her first crush (and current love) may be demanding, which is a negative trait, but just because he isn't as outgoing as she is doesn't mean he isn't right for her. What may indicate that things should end is that she's about to make a big career move to the States, and he doesn't want to join in. She has to decide if he is worth it.

And now, in a seemingly bizarre fashion, her parents have gotten someone to propose to her, as though it were a magic pill. Her best friend's opinion of that disgusts her, and she's acting like a perpetual victim. Girl has GOT to make her own choice.

That means you can't do it for her. You've expressed your opinion, so let that remain and stop discussing it. Here's to hoping she can stand on her own two feet and not make decisions based on what everyone else wants.

Aunt Amy

Providing a friendly service

I have a friend who is in massage school. Last weekend we were chatting about the techniques she had recently learned and she asked if I wanted a massage. How could I turn it down?

So I got the massage but then when she was done she acted really uncomfortable. I asked her what was up and she said her fee is usually $20. I didn't really know what to do because I thought she was doing it as a favor, so I just ended the conversation and left.

If your friend was in massage school and offered you a massage, would you pay her or expect it for free?

Relaxed yet tense

Dear Relaxed,

When I am the recipient of a service, I expect to be told certain things. What can I choose? How long will it take? What are the side effects? How much will it cost?

But this happens when I'm in a doctor's office or a hair salon. I have come to them for a service, specifically, and expect to pay for it. You, on the other hand, said you would be a recipient of a service that your friend is still learning. You did not receive this service in a massage parlor, and it was under the guise of showing off her talents.

Every good friend gives some freebies. For me, it was discounting the occasional friend sub when I worked at delis. For her, it is showing off a skill she is learning to friends.

It's up to you on how to handle this. Depending on her personality, she may get really offended if you don't pay her. Why not try talking to her, recap the situation and explain you didn't realize she wasn't doing this for free? Either way, be careful about future massage offers from that friend. You're better off sticking with the professionals.

Aunt Amy

Seeking sister

About three months ago, my sister met this guy on MySpace and added him to her AIM friends. He keeps sending her IMs calling her a whore and other names. Yesterday, she was on her way home from the drugstore and he saw her and started following her, trying to get her to pull over. She said he had to floor it to get rid of him.

What should she do?

Concerned brother

Dear Concerned,

Ironically, this same situation is sort of happening to one of my co-workers right now, except for the name-calling and violence. Instead the guy is just telling her that he sees her in certain places where she has actually been, and that's enough to creep us both out.

But this has reached far beyond merely chatting on IM. This guy doesn't really know her. He's calling her bitch and slut and whore without knowing her. Now he's actually trying to stalk her. No wonder your brother radar is going off. This guy is no good!

I think it's time for your sister to completely cut off contact with this guy. He needs not to be able to see her MySpace or IM name. If he finds her, she needs to floor it to the police station. Make sure she gets his license plate number, especially if she doesn't know his last name.

In the future, make sure she isn't giving away all of her personal information to someone she doesn't know on the Internet. I suspect that is how he was able to get so close.

Aunt Amy

Helping him through

I am sure, of course, that you (along with everyone else in this county and many others) have heard about what happened at Virginia Tech this week. It is sad and depressing and the source of my problem.

My boyfriend attends there and I don't. I live several hours away and work full time, so although we try very hard to keep in touch (and have been doing fairly well), this new stress has brought with it unprecedented trouble.

He is a civil/environmental engineering major. As such, he was friendly with many of the under and graduate students and several of the teachers were killed in the shooting. His favorite professor was one of them. While my boyfriend was not in Norris Hall (one of the locations in which shootings occurred), he was, of course, struck by all this.

I am heading down there Thursday night, but I do not know what I can possibly say or do besides the basic, mundane, meaningless platitudes that might help. Do you have any suggestions to help me help him through this?

Caring Girlfriend

Dear Caring,

I am sorry to hear that your boyfriend had some experience with the Virginia Tech shootings. I think you're being a very kind girlfriend to want to be there with him, especially since the first thing you need to do is just be there.

Actively listen to what he has to say, and be compassionate. That includes not criticizing what he has to say, or talking about the media accounts of all of this. I doubt anyone on that campus wants to get into a gun control debate ala Rosie.

Also, avoid any of the following phrases:

• "I know just how you feel."
  
• "I am sorry for your loss."
  
• "You are holding up so well."
  
• "Time will heal all wounds."
  
• "At least they didn't feel pain."
  

There is nothing worse than cliches in a time like this, so if you can't think of anything to say, just rub his back or hug him or otherwise show you care. You might consider bringing some comfort food with you (dorm kitchens are crap for making cookies). As Jews have learned from shiva, food sometimes helps.

You know your boyfriend better than most people. Pay attention to his signals. And don't be afraid to take a few moments for yourself when you two are apart. You're walking onto a grieving campus, and becoming overwhelmed by it doesn't help.

Aunt Amy

Moving baby and me

I'm 18 years old, and I'm graduating high school this year. I have a son and my parents have guardianship of him. I gave it to them for health insurance only.

My 19-year-old boyfriend of a year and 6 months recently got a job offer in Louisiana. I live in Indiana. The job starts off at $50,000 and maxes out at $100,000, and is something he has always wanted to do. He will never make this much money in any other profession, and I would like to move with him.

I understand it may not work out between us, but that's risk everyone takes. He is not the baby's father, but he might as well be. He has been there for my son and I for a long time. He will be able to fully provide for my son, my college, health insurance and everything else I need.

But I think my parents will hate the idea so much that they may not give my son back to me. They will think I am being selfish and taking him away from them. The only thing that makes me think they won't take him away is that they would not actually have to take care of him. They're very busy taking care of their rental properties. Also, my dad went through this situation with my real mom when I was two years old.

I think my boyfriend and I are more mature than most people our age. Really, I am just trying to do what's best for what I feel is my new family. It's a little soon to move but this a chance that will probably never come up again. It will benefit all of our futures.

My boyfriend and I are planning to just talk to a lawyer to see where we stand, but how do I talk to my family? Is there anything I could say to make them less angry? How can I show them this will benefit my son? Do you think this is a bad thing to do?

Mother May I?

Dear Mother,

Simply put, probably. But let me explain.

You have a chance to move away with your long-term boyfriend. In your e-mail, you described your relationship as strong. It sounds like he is supportive of you and your son, and intends to keep supporting you if you come with him. Let's start with that.

There is just one problem with this situation: he is not legally obligated to support you. It sounds like he's willing to pay for child care while you continue your education, but he doesn't have to do that. What happens if things go bad? Will you have a savings account all your own in case you need to leave him? Will your parents take you back at home? Essentially, you are a single mother with a support system in your parents house. He is neither the baby's father nor your husband, and he's asking you to move to a place where you have no ties. You will need money or an extra job or something just in case. And please, please don't think it could never happen to you. So many single mothers have faced similar situations and found themselves without help, and having a plan will make it more likely that your parents will let your son go.

Now that I've stated this, let's say you've already planned for that possibility and are ready to leave after June. I agree that you need to see legal counsel in case your parents use their status over your child as a bargaining chip. After you speak with an attorney, you and your boyfriend need to sit down with your parents. Your boyfriend needs to calmly explain that he is moving and why and to what. You then need to explain that you would like to go with him, and tell them how you've prepared for this. All of you will need to discuss these topics before you discuss your son's guardianship.

If this doesn't end well as you have imagined it, you may need to pay for an attorney to force your parents' hand. I do not recommend this, however, unless as a last resort. Family issues are best dealt with internally at first.

Your parents can't prevent you from leaving the state with your boyfriend, but they can prevent your child from leaving, and I bet you really don't want to leave him behind. If you approach this as maturely as you say you are, I think you will find the outcome will be favorable.

Aunt Amy