Totally useless

I have an advice column of my own, and I am concerned about one of my contributors. After a few questions, I feel he isn't up to par with the answers he submits. How can I gently let him know he's fired?

Did I mention he is my brother?

One Useless Man

Dear Useless,

This is going to be much easier since he's your brother. From the time you both popped out of your mother's womb, you two were best friends and mortal enemies. You spent your childhood hanging out and trying to kill each other.

To start, find the appropriate time to tell him. It's best if someone had just killed his dog or his wife cheated on him. As he's weeping, grab him from behind and get him in a sleeper hold. Scream "You like that? You like that? You're fired!" Then wrestle around on the floor a little and take him out to get a beer.

It's the least you can do.

Aunt Amy