Sunday, March 25, 2007

She says yes, she shows no

I met this girl in my college course. I saw her looking at me from across the room one day and I decided to talk to her. One thing led to another and finally I asked her for her number, which she willingly supplied me with.

We scheduled our first date. We went to a nice restaurant and then drove around town as we continued our conversation. Then after a couple hours I dropped her off at home, she gave me a hug, and then we started making out for a little bit. After that, we scheduled a second date. We went to some local spot where we cuddled and just relaxed. Then one thing led to another and we started making out again. Only this time, it lasted for 2 hours. I think she really enjoyed it because she was all over me. After that night, we went on a third date. We went to a really nice restaurant and basically the same story as above continued.

This has happened a couple times now: she says she wants to hang out in a couple days. I'd call her but she won't return my phone call until it's too late to do something. Then as we talk on the phone she doesn't even mention the fact that we were supposed to hang out or give any excuses. Why would she just totally ignore the fact that we were supposed to hang out? I don't mention anything about it because I don't want to make a big deal about it and I don't want to sound desperate as I sit waiting for her phone call all night. :( Sometimes she won't even call for a couple days and she just leaves me hanging there wondering what is going on. It really sucks.

After a couple times of her playing games with me by not acknowledging the fact that we were supposed to go out, I figured that two can play this game. In class one day, I decided to just be rude to her. I didn't give her any attention and when she asked me questions I would answer very briefly, yes or no, and then look away. The whole time in class she wouldn't stop staring at me and I could tell she wanted to talk to me so bad. Then, on my way home, I get a phone call and I don't pick up. Then after a couple hours, she sends me a text message saying, "I'm sorry if I didn't anything to upset you. I had fun hanging out with you. I'm still interested, etc." What do you make of this situation?

She's always telling me to come visit her at her place of work (a restaurant). Is this her way of showing me off? A way of gaining approval from her friends? I am going to visit her in the next couple days, so hopefully it all goes well. Is she playing hard to get? What are the games she is playing? It appears as though she has been talking about me with her co-workers because I sorta know someone who works with her and she mentioned the fact that I was dating her. If she is talking to people about me, that must be a good thing? Right?

All I know is that i can't stop thinking about her. She is always on my mind and I really like her. How can I tell if she feels the same way without actually asking her? I just want things to fall into place without ruining any chance of a relationship.

What do you make of this situation? I really like her. How can I improve these issues I am having?

Desperately wanting

Dear Wanting,

I'd like you to get out your checkerboard.

I'm going to make the first move, and you're going to counter it. After dancing around each other for a while, one of us is going to mess up and leave ourselves open, and the other person is going to jump that person and throw their piece off the board. There will be many pieces like this.

But eventually one of us will be down to just one piece in the corner that we move back and forth to avoid confrontation while keeping up appearances of playing the game. The cycle may be endless. I think that is what's happening here.

So you moved your black checker closer, and you two danced around without wanting to hurt one another. But after that third move (or date), something was off. Suddenly someone had to jump someone else, and unfortunately for you, the red checker won. Then you got a little swipe back at her, spilling some red from her checker right off the table. And so the game began. And for a moment, at least one, you both were in the game.

But I suspect you don't really want to play anymore. She keeps winning and kicking you out, and you've got her in a corner and she won't stop for a moment lest her heart break. She's interested enough to keep you around, but either can't commit to the possibility of losing or doesn't realize how much you want both of you to win.

Stop the game and find a way to talk to her. Tell her you're interested in dating her more seriously and would like to actually spend time with her, but she's making it wicked hard. If she's non-committal or promises but then doesn't call, then that's probably it. You can't squeeze a relationship from a moving target.

This is why relationships and checkers are usually a two-person game. Thing is, both sides have to be equally invested for it to go anywhere.

Aunt Amy

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