Monday, April 09, 2007

An unwanted situation

I'm in my late twenties and have been married for 3 years. My husband and I have high-paying jobs and would easily be able to give a child everything he wants. The problem is that I don't like children, and my husband knew that from the start. He said he would be happy to give up having children if it meant being with me forever.

We have taken every precaution possible short of surgery, but I am now eight weeks pregnant, and I don't want this baby. It’s going to ruin everything. All of my hopes and dreams for the future will go down the drain. I feel like I'm being punished.

Although I don't want kids, my husband doesn't want an abortion. He said he wouldn't be able to get past it because he considers this baby a miracle. My parents and my best friend who's been trying to conceive for four years think I'm being selfish, but they're not the ones who will have to deal with a screaming baby when it arrives. Adoption isn't an option because my husband refuses to let someone else raise his child when he can do it.

Having the baby, divorcing him and letting him raise it is out of the question for me because of the way everyone will look at me for abandoning my child when I never wanted it in the first place. Why can't anyone accept my decision? Why should I have to lose everything because of a baby I never wanted in the first place?

Not the Momma

Dear Not,

Not everyone was meant to be a mother, for one reason or another. They may have a mental illness that would make them an unfit parent, a general dislike for all children or a lifestyle unsuited to having a baby. When it comes to you, you don't want children and your husband has agreed to that. You both have taken an extraordinary amount of precautions barring ones your doctor will not allow. And yet, you have become pregnant.

I always find it a little strange when people assess situations using factors that aren't in front of them. That baby doesn't exist yet, and yet your husband would be willing to sacrifice his marriage for it because it might come into existence. He's ignoring your wishes that he agreed to in favor of you becoming an incubator for a future son or daughter. I think your husband does want children, and here is his chance.

I think you made a mistake in telling your family about the pregnancy early on. You must have known they would try to convince you otherwise. Your sister wants a child, and your mother had children, so she can't relate to you.

You need to do some soul-searching here. First ask yourself if you really never want children. Most careers can co-exist with kids, although I think that's not the problem here. Once you're sure you don't want children, you need to sit down with your husband. Having children is a make-or-break clause in a long-term relationship. If he really wants that child, he will be raising it himself, without you. And he'll be asking you to be a long-term incubator for it. Is that his intention? No matter what, to get what you want (no children), something will have to be sacrificed unless he is willing to change his mind.

If you do go the abortion route, you need to consider whether or not you'll tell your family that it happened as opposed to saying you lost it. You seem to want to avoid conflict in this situation, but it's going to be hard without a few well-placed lies.

Aunt Amy


Anonymous said...

I think children are a blessing from God! And you should seriously be praying about what He wants you to do.


Trust in the Lord with all your heart all your soul and all your mind.

Mike said...

So God forced her to become pregnant against her will? Yeah, that makes sense.

People get married under false pretenses all the time. Here hubby wanted a kid all along, and now that one's here he doesn't want to give it up. I'm inclined to the "tough shit" approach, but you should probably tell him you're getting an abortion and then see what he does.

Anonymous said...

Telling him you're getting an abortion to "see what he does" is definitely a wrong move, if you haven't actually decided to do that. First off it would be lying, and second off it would just make the situation worse.

Michelle said...

Well obviously you wanted what came before the baby barring even the minimal risk that came with it and now you are dealing with it.

A) I don't think it's fair to your baby or husband to abort

B) It is not fair to the baby to be born and its mother hate and despise it cause it was unwanted

I am on the fence on this one.

Anonymous said...

I am a pastor and a father of six. My wife and I both come from large families. However, my family was blended and at one point very disfunctional. Two things you need to ask yourself; they are:
1. What is post-abortion life like?
2. What would you have wanted your mother to have done if she would have felt like you at the time she was carrying you?
I'll be praying for you-a hard choice.

Anonymous said...

You say this, "because of the way everyone will look at me for abandoning my child".

What about the way everyone will look at you for aborting the baby?

At least if you choose the first option, your decision will not be irreversible. If you abort, there is no going back, no becoming a bigger person for considering someone other than yourself.

Anonymous said...

Babies come from sex. If you TRULY never wanted a child, you should have abstained or had surgery.

You can only choose your actions, you can not choose the consequences. You chose to live with the "what if" when you had sex.